EDMQuiz

If you answered the last eleven questions (51-61) with Often and Sometimes, your marriage is taking a toll on you and it’s important that you not ignore what’s happening to you.

Go back through your answers to questions 1-50 and see how many questions you answered with Often and Sometimes. What do you see? What’s the pattern, the big picture? If you answered more than two questions with Often, your marriage may become or is becoming destructive. If you answered Often for more than five questions, it is definitely destructive. If you answered Sometimes and Seldom for some or many of the questions but did not circle Often, your marriage is or is becoming destructive. Please take action now before things get worse. In chapter 3, I will go into more detail about the different types of destructive relationships and why they are destructive. Here is a breakdown of what the questions look for.

Questions 1-28 describe the various characteristics in an emotionally abusive relationship. Belittling, humiliating, badgering, controlling, undermining, and threatening are obvious characteristics of emotional abuse.

Questions 20-24 indicate jealousy and inappropriate dependency, which lead to being destructive.

Questions 28-34 describe physically abusive tactics used to express displeasure or to force someone to do something she does not want to do. Threats to harm are considered abusive. This is controlling abuse.

Questions 35-39 look for more covert indicators of emotional abuse. They aren’t as obvious as some of the other tactics used to control, but they are effective. They also indicate gross indifference to the feelings and needs of the spouse, which is destructive to a marriage.

Questions 40-44 describe the vague area of crazy-making where you can’t define what is abusive, but the mind games, the refusal to engage, and the blaming leave you confused and uncertain.

Questions 45-47 describe coercive control with respect to the family finances.

Questions 48-50 describe deceit, which breaks trust and destroys the very foundation of marriage.

Questions 51-61 look for your responses to what’s happening in your marriage. Some individuals may be more resilient to some of these destructive behaviors, others not. Don’t compare yourself with anyone else who may be able to live with something when your body and your spirit are breaking down.

In summary, an emotionally destructive marriage is one where one’s personhood, dignity and freedom of choice is regularly denied, criticized, or crushed. This can be done through words, behaviors, economics, attitudes, and misusing the Scriptures.

Taking the quiz and answering the questions was tough, but it also may have provided a bit of relief to see more clearly what’s going on. If you’ve ever been lost in a bad place and have no idea where you are, it’s a terrifying feeling. If you want to find your way out, you start by seeing where you are right now. Believe me. No one wants to be in a destructive marriage. But hope for change is birthed when you can see clearly where you are and where you need to go. Only when you do that can you take the first step.

Don’t despair. I’m going to give you a map to follow. With God’s help, you will find your way through.

Emotionally Destructive Marriage, Leslie Vernick, 2013 pages. 18-26